I re-watched Batman Begins, inspiring and motivating me to be a better man. He found courage, and faced his fears. He created a symbol, and stood up for an ideal. He took action, and his action defined who he was. In the end, Bruce Wayne helped make Gotham a better place and helped Batman become a symbol for Justice.
The concept of a billionaire who is a genius and has a strong sense of morality dressing up in a bat costume to fight crime is fantasy at its best. He has a butler who can do the house keeping, pick him up when he is down after a fight, or stitch up his wounds. He has as many weapons and toys that he could ever want or need at his disposal. Everything is ready for him to play his cards as the protagonist of a fantastical city in a fantastical world.
But when fantasy meets reality, it seems to dissipate. Fantasy is not reality, and therefore it should not matter. It should not matter because it is in fact not matter. It is not real. Yet, the images and the ideas that are derived from fantasy seem very very real. Real enough to call it my home, and fantastical enough to feel safe and secure in the realm of fantasy.
I am concerned, but ignorant of the status of the world today. I do not read the news, I do not listen to the current events, or even use the internet to take part in what goes on. I never talk to people about the world's affairs. I never ask questions, and I never partake in debate. I have a stance that I am not ready to participate in the world today. I have taken the mind set that I am not ready. Until then, I will not even think about the world or watch it from afar.
But bettering oneself takes time. I am not a genius, a billionaire, and I do not have a kick-ass butler like Alfred. (Let alone a butler at all.) I have spent many years trying to better myself. Being an introvert I spend a lot of time thinking about how I think, how I speak, and how I act around people. I focus on myself, always trying to be better than who I am. I set high expectations and attempt to reach them.
Today, I am not who I want to be. I am not strong enough, smart enough, skilled enough, or even passionate enough to do the things I had wanted to do by this time in my life. I have fallen over the years, over and over and over again, always falling short beneath my expectations. Now, losing patience I sometimes think I would rather sit at the bottom of the well, where I can at least look up to the sky and simply just dream.
Dreams are the realm of fantasy, and where I have found my home. I continue to look up and constantly wonder what it's like outside this well of despair. I soon want to leave. I want to climb to the top. I want to leave this prison. I want to save myself. Fantasy, dreams, they are nice. But as a child I can only climb so far before I fall: again.
"We fall so we can get back up."- Batman Begins. So I get back up, I train myself. I fall again. This continues, and this is where I am right now. I am still training, I am still trying to better myself so I can be the best I can be.
But am I being selfish in my training? What if the world needs me now? I wouldn't know because I don't pay attention the current needs of the world. I'm stuck in a well, trying to get out. I'm stuck in my fantastical home, where my problems are the only ones I have to focus on. Do I fall... deliberately? So I can stay here in this prison that has become my home? Am I afraid of what is out there? Do I fear what I might have to face, not only out there but when I reach the outside? Sure, there are inner turmoils within this prison, but I will face new ones outside. I will continue to have tests of my character.
Fear seems to strike my heart constantly. It holds me down in the prison. I have to make a leap that I do not think I can make. But my dreams, my fantasy, they seem to give me courage. I climb on. I fall. I get back up. Again, and again, and again. Until finally, I am facing fear in the face with courage. Then with courage, comes faith. I begin to believe in myself.
Or at least, I must believe in myself. For I am still caught at the bottom of the well, the bottom of the prison. I am still trying to get to the top. I am not as smart as I would like to be. I am not as strong as I would like to be. I am not as skilled as I would like to be. But I am tired of making excuses to myself. I am tired of looking at others and comparing myself to them. I am tired of being afraid of other people and what they might think of my dreams, my visions, my fantasies. I am tired of being afraid of me.
I am afraid of what I could become if I stay here in this pit. I am afraid of what I might become if I am to leave this pit. I am afraid of what I will have to face in the future. I am afraid of what I might have to face from the past.
I can't be afraid anymore. I have to hold onto my dreams and from them, derive courage. Courage that will plunge me into reality. Courage that will help me hold onto an ideal. Courage that will help me create a symbol for myself. A symbol that I can stand for, a symbol that I will fight for, a symbol that I will rise for.
I am not Bruce Wayne, and I have not received training from the League of Shadows. I am not Batman and I have not taken down countless villains. I do not know if I can bring justice to the world. I do not even know if I will be able to rise as high as the status of legend. I don't even know if I can bring any good to the world. I'm only one person, and I'm not necessarily qualified.
I'm a wannabe artist caught in his fantasies. I know little about the world and its needs. I have a knack for forgetting things, and a greater knack for losing things. My person is breaking as it falls again and again, and it almost wants to give up.
"Almost"... Can I rise? No. There is a better question. A question that should be asked to any of us. Everyday we are presented with the opportunity. I personally do not want to go to work tomorrow, and many others share my feelings. It is not usually a matter of "Can I Rise?," but "Will I Rise?"
Listening to: The Dark Knight Rises OST
Reading: Batman Comics
Watching: Batman Begins
Playing: Infamous, Skyrim, Batman: Arkham City
Eating: ....bat soup?
Drinking: bat...juice?(I mean..I got this bat theme goin...)